KLEAR AND WHILTIERNA "FULL FRONTAL" INVESTIGATIONS
GARY KLEAR, ESQ., DET. 1ST GRADE (RET.)
Legal Director & Lead Investigator
MEL WHILTIERNA
Field Muscle+Enforcer
(Gary insists on adding Esq. or Detective 1st Grade (Ret.) to everything, viewing himself as the intellectual mastermind and legal backbone Gary Klear’s absurd insistence on using both Esq. (Esquire, reserved for licensed attorneys) and Det. 1st Grade (Ret.) (Detective First Grade, Retired) creates the ultimate grammatical mess—which is entirely by design to reflect his inflated ego and complete lack of legal authorization.
Because he isn't actually a licensed lawyer and was ignominiously fired from the precinct, slapping these together breaks standard naming conventions in a hilarious way. Here is how Gary forces those titles onto his correspondence, business cards, and agency door.
- The Full Formal Letterhead (Gary's Favorite)
On official agency documents, affidavits, and cease-and-desist notices, Gary insists on putting his name front and center using the most convoluted stack possible). The Grammatical Crime: In real-life legal formatting, combining Esq. with other titles (or using it when you haven’t passed the bar) is a massive breach of legal etiquette. Gary doesn't care. He believes his "superior intellect dē jure" grants him the title automatically. 2. The Office Door & Desk Nameplate
For maximum physical presence (especially funny considering he has no visible body), he has his desk nameplate etched in bold, imposing lettering 3. The Petty Legal Signature Block
At the bottom of his typed demand letters—which he slams out on his manual typewriter using minor static electricity—he uses an over-the-top, multi-line signature block: Respectfully submitted under penalty of perjury, Gary Klear, Esq.
Detective 1st Grade (Ret.), Independent Sovereign Autonomous Police
Senior Managing Partner | Klear & Whiltierna "Full Frontal" Investigations
(Not currently taking precinct walk-ins due to administrative conflict) 4. How Mel Mockingly Abbreviates It
Mel completely refuses to say the full title unless forced and nagged to. When she introduces him to street informants, black-market arms dealers, or corporate clients, she chops it down to make fun of his neurosis:
"This is Gary. He’s an 'Esq-Ret-Cop'—which means he’s invisible, he isn't a real lawyer, and he’ll sue you if you don't talk to me."
"Watch your language, he’s 'Ret. Esquire' over here. It means he give you a migraine if ya break a window without filing a form first."Printing "Field Muscle+Enforcer" right underneath Gary’s over-leveraged, hyper-bureaucratic title stack completely nails the comedy. It instantly tells any client walking up to the office window that one partner will file a 40-page injunction while the other will just throw them out the third-story window. Gary barely tolerates Mel's Dumbed down crude title, but a simplified, street-level descriptor fits Mel's no-nonsense vibe so much better than corporate jargon.
